(Posted 2023 September)
In Domestic and Sexual Violence Services, we talk so much about interpersonal violence, people who cause harm, and knowing the signs of abuse that we sometimes push the promotion of healthy relationships to the back burner.
What, exactly, is a healthy relationship, and how do you know if yours is one?
It depends.
People have different needs, so a healthy relationship for you won’t look the same as that of your parents, your neighbors, or your best friend. Plus, your needs around communication, sex, affection, space, shared values, common interests may change throughout your life. So, a relationship that works for you while you’re in your 20s may be nothing like the relationship you want in your 50s.
And relationships that don’t align with traditional definitions—think polyamory or ethical nonmonogamy--can still be healthy; the folks who practice these relationships might define a healthy relationship somewhat differently than people who practice monogamy.
So, “healthy relationship” is a broad term because what makes a relationship thrive depends on what the people in it need. But some things are standard to a flourishing partnership. A healthy relationship means both you and your partner are:
Communicative. You talk openly about problems and listen to one another. You respect each other’s opinions. Partners in healthy relationships talk about the things going on in their lives: successes, failures, and everything in between. You are comfortable talking about whatever issues arise, from things that happen in everyday life, such as mounting deadlines at work or friend stress, to more serious topics, such as financial troubles, caregiving for aging parents, your child being bullied at school, or mental health. Even if your opinion differs from your partners’, listen without judgment, and then share your perspective.
Respectful. You value each other’s opinions, feelings, and needs, and give each other freedom to be yourself and be loved for who you are. You both take an interest in the things each partner enjoys. You show appreciation and gratitude for each other.
Trusting. You believe your partner and don’t feel the need to prove each other’s trustworthiness. This involves honesty and integrity. You don’t keep secrets from each other. When you’re apart, you don’t worry about them pursuing other people. Trust is more than believing they won’t cheat or lie to you, however. It also means you feel safe with them and know they won’t hurt you physically or emotionally. You know they have your back while also respecting you enough to encourage you to make your own choices.
Honest. You’re honest with each other but can still keep some things private. This means you don’t have to share everything with your partner. Each individual has their own privacy. What matters most is whether each partner feels comfortable sharing their hopes, fears, and feelings if they choose to do so.
Equal. You make decisions together and hold each other to the same standards. You and your partner have equal say with regard to major decisions within the relationship, and all partners have access to the resources they need.
Setting boundaries. You enjoy spending time apart, alone, or with others. You respect each other’s need for time and space apart. You communicate with each other about your comfort level with these boundaries. Examples of healthy boundaries include agreeing not to go through each other's phones or not demanding access to each other’s social media accounts, giving each other space to have friendships outside of the marriage, and respecting each other's personal space.
Practicing consent. You discuss sexual and reproductive choices together. You willingly consent to sexual activity you enjoy and can safely discuss activities you are and aren’t comfortable with.
Interdependent. You rely on each other for mutual support but maintain your identity as a unique individual. In other words, your relationship is balanced. You know you have their approval and love, but your self-esteem doesn’t depend on them. You don’t depend on each other to get all of your needs met. You have friends and connections outside the relationship and spend time pursuing your own interests.
Parenting supportively. If you have children, you are both able to parent in a way that makes you comfortable. You talk about the needs of any children, as well as the needs of the parents.
No relationship is perfect all the time but yours should have a healthy dose of these green flag behaviors. If it doesn’t, it’s important for you and your partner to talk about it so you can grow in healthy ways.
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