(Posted 2025 October)

Maybe someone you care about—a family member, friend, or coworker--has told you they are experiencing domestic violence. Or you see signs of abuse in their relationship (jealous behavior; their partner tightly controlling all the money in the relationship; their partner calling your loved one names or making comments that affect your loved one’s self-esteem; or physical violence, including shoving, hitting, or throwing things). 

You may wonder what to say to help—or if you should say anything at all. That uncertainty is OK. Domestic violence is a difficult subject to talk about both for people experiencing the violence and those who care about the victims. Reaching out can be a lifeline to someone who probably feels fear, shame, or embarrassment. Sincere, compassionate support can be crucial to helping victims get to safety and work on building a better life. 

Here are some practical, safety-focused tips for helping a victim of domestic violence:

1. Listen Without Judgment
   • Listen and believe them. Many victims fear not being taken seriously. Validation builds trust.
   • Allow them to talk about what’s happening at their own pace. Don’t blame or shame them. Don’t ask “why” questions. Instead, say things like:
     • “I’m here for you.” 
     • “You don’t deserve this.”
     • “You are not alone.”
        
2. Believe Them. Many survivors fear they won’t be believed. Let them know you take their situation seriously and you trust their account of what’s happening.
    
3. Don’t pressure them to leave. Leaving can be the most dangerous time. Instead...
    
4. Prioritize Their Safety. Help them create a safety plan, including:
   • Emergency contacts
   • Safe places to go (family, friends, shelter)
   • A packed “go bag” (ID, money, medication, clothes, important documents, keys)
   • Code words with trusted people to signal danger
      
5. Offer Emotional Support. Be patient—decision-making and healing take time. Leaving an abusive relationship is a process, not a single event. Continue checking in, even if they’re not ready to act yet.
    
6. Provide Information. Share resources (hotlines, shelters, counseling, advocacy services, legal aid) discreetly. Offer to help research options.
   • Domestic and Sexual Violence 24-Hour Hotline: 703-360-7273
   • National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233
   • Chat: thehotline.org
   • If outside the U.S., local helplines can be found through hotline support directories, which list global options.
      
7. Help With Practical Needs.
   • Offer safe shelter, transportation, or help with childcare.
   • Help them document abuse (photos, texts chains, notes of incidents) but only if it’s safe to store that information.
   • Offer to help them access emergency funds.
   • Drive them to appointments if they ask.
   • Store emergency items.
      
8. Maintain Confidentiality. Don’t share what they tell you without permission unless there’s immediate danger or legal obligation. Respect their decisions. They know the person causing harm and their situation best. Keep lines of communication open, even if they aren’t making the choice you would make for yourself.
    
9. Encourage Professional Help. Connect them to trained advocates, legal aid, or trauma-informed counselors who specialize in domestic violence support and protective orders.
    
10. Take Care of Yourself. Supporting a victim can be emotionally heavy.
    • Get support from professionals or advocacy centers for yourself as well.
    • Know your limits. You can offer support, but you can’t fix the situation.

Fairfax County’s Domestic and Sexual Violence Services division supports adults, teens, and children who have been impacted by domestic and sexual violence, stalking, and human trafficking. Services are confidential, free, and provided regardless of race, gender, ethnicity, national origin, age, disability, religion, gender identity, or sexual orientation. 

If you or someone you know is experiencing interpersonal violence, call the Domestic and Sexual Violence 24-Hour Hotline at 703-360-7273 for resources and support. If you are in immediate danger, call 9-1-1.

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