(Posted 2026 August)
Abuse often comes to us disguised as unhealthy love. Check these five signs that show what you thought was love might actually be violence:
- Intensity. The intensity can feel exciting at first. Who doesn’t love to feel loved up by that someone special? But it may quickly become overwhelming or suffocating. Your partner may text or call you constantly and become impatient when you respond slowly, even if they know you have a lot going on that day.
- Isolation. Your boyfriend may have an intense desire to spend all their time with you, which eventually pulls you away from your friends, family, and support system, tying you to even more time with them and less time with other people in your life.
- Extreme jealousy. The person you’re in a relationship with may demand to know where you are at all times and who you’re with, showing possessiveness and mistrust. This can escalate into following you places or accusing you of cheating without cause.
- Belittling. They may use words as weapons, turning conversations mean or embarrassing. They tell stories or jokes at your expense and accuse you of overreacting when you’re hurt.
- Volatility. Your relationship may involve frequent breakups and makeups, with very high highs and very low lows. Their bad behavior is often followed by apologies or promises to change that never actually happen, creating a cycle of hurtful comments and emotional turmoil.
The more of these five signs you recognize, the unhealthier your relationship is. Real love doesn’t make you feel bad, and healthy relationships involve open communication, mutual respect, kindness, and patience. You can flip the script on this toxicity, but it requires safety, clarity, and small, intentional steps. Here are some ways you can begin shifting things:
- Prioritize safety. Volatility can sometimes include emotional unpredictability, manipulation, or even danger. Before attempting to change any relationship dynamics, it’s important to assess whether the person is physically and emotionally safe. If not, the “narrative” to change may actually be seeking support or creating distance.
- Clarify the pattern. Sometimes simply naming what’s happening can be powerful. Examples: “We get stuck in a cycle where conflict escalates too fast,” or “I’m walking on eggshells and that’s not sustainable.” Understanding the pattern makes it easier to shift it.
- Set boundaries that protect stability. Boundaries aren’t punishments—they’re tools that guide healthier interactions. For instance: “If the conversation gets heated, I’m going to pause and come back to it later.” Small boundaries can start changing the tone of interactions.
- Change response before expecting behavior change. Unhealthy dynamics often rely on both people’s habits. Altering one part of the cycle—like walking away from escalation, using calm language, or avoiding old triggers—can influence the whole pattern over time.
- Use “I” statements instead of blame. “I feel overwhelmed when voices get raised; I need us to take a break and revisit the conversation later.” This shifts the narrative from defensiveness to collaboration.
- Seek outside support. Lots of people sometimes need help navigating unhealthy dynamics. A counselor, therapist, or trusted third party can add perspective and tools. Volatile relationships rarely stabilize without support.
- Decide what you ultimately want the narrative to be. Is the goal mutual healing? More respect? A graceful exit? Knowing the desired outcome helps guide the actions that will change the story.
Keep in mind that changing the narrative doesn’t mean carrying the full responsibility. And note that a single person can influence the dynamic—but they cannot fix it alone.
Fairfax County’s Domestic and Sexual Violence Services division supports adults, teens, and children who have been impacted by domestic and sexual violence, stalking, and human trafficking. Services are confidential, free, and provided regardless of race, gender, ethnicity, national origin, age, disability, religion, gender identity, or sexual orientation.
If you or someone you know is experiencing interpersonal violence, call the Domestic and Sexual Violence 24-Hour Hotline at 703-360-7273 for resources and support. If you are in immediate danger, call 9-1-1.
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