(Posted 2024 August)
Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse where a partner uses manipulation, deception, and control to make you question your memories, your perception of reality, and your sanity. Gaslighters use myriad tactics to control the narrative. The more they are used on someone, the more likely you are to question your reality. Some examples include:
- “You’re trying to confuse me.” A gaslighter refuses to listen or pretends not to understand.
- “You never remember things correctly.” A gaslighter questions your memory of events, even when those memories are accurate.
- “It is all your fault.” A gaslighter shifts blame for bad behavior to you.
- “You’re overreacting. You get angry over small things.” A partner minimizes your reaction, making your needs or feelings seem unimportant. The partner might also say, “I was only joking,” to reinforce that you are overreacting.
- “You know I would never hurt you on purpose.” A gaslighter uses loving words to diffuse the situation. This can make you feel guilty for accusing your partner of abuse.
Being gaslit can strain mental health and cause feelings of anxiety, depression, or other mental health concerns. Some victims may turn to substance use and suicidal behaviors as a result of gaslighting, particularly if they if they are made more vulnerable due to a history of abuse or trauma, low self-esteem, or depression.
But you can take back control using these five methods:
- Keep calm. This can help you focus on the truth, making it less likely the gaslighter’s version of events will make you doubt yourself. Suggest taking a break and revisiting the topic later. Stepping outside briefly can help you refocus. If you can’t leave physically, try breathing exercises, counting to 10 slowly, or repeating an affirming mantra.
- Document everything. Save or take screenshots of texts and emails. Note dates and times of conversations, summarizing them with direct quotes when possible. Take photos of damaged property. Use your phone to record conversations. (Note: Local laws may prevent you from using these recordings if you need to seek legal assistance, but you can use these recordings to inform others about the situation.)
- Get others involved. Seek input from people in your life who can reinforce your knowledge that you aren’t crazy, confused, or losing your memory. You aren’t asking them to take sides; you want them to observe what’s happening. A gaslighter will have a harder time manipulating multiple people.
- Focus on self-care. Worrying about gaslighting and its impact on your life can make it difficult for you to take pleasure—even in your favorite things. While managing your physical and emotional needs likely won’t address gaslighting directly, good self-care can help improve your state of mind and better prepare you to face challenges.
- Find professional support. Emotional abuse can be tough to confront on your own and can make your feel isolated. Talking to a therapist or counselor is a good first step in helping you handle your situation, safety plan, and find resources and services.
If you or someone you know is experiencing interpersonal violence, call the Domestic and Sexual Violence 24-Hour Hotline at 703-360-7273 for resources and support. If you are in immediate danger, call 9-1-1.
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