(Posted 2024 February)

Anger is part of the human experience. We’ve all felt angry at one time or another. It’s easy to recognize, but it can be difficult to control. 

Often anger is just the tip of the iceberg. While you see (or feel) the outward signs of anger, there are a lot of hidden emotions just beneath the surface. Anger can mask feelings of: 

Anger is a defense mechanism that activates when adults or children are unable to express these deep emotions. The longer hurt stays inside, the more likely it is to come out as anger.

The Parenting Education Programs understands that parents and caregivers can struggle with anger as much as the children in their care. This article provides advice from the Nurturing Families™ curriculum anyone can use to manage their anger and help their children to learn to manage theirs as well. 

Anger isn’t Bad
Anger is a normal human emotion. It can even help us fight back in dangerous situations. However, anger can be a destructive force when it’s not expressed appropriately in social interactions. 

Parents and caregivers have to teach children to express anger properly. If this critical step is skipped, then children may struggle in relationships with friends, parents, teachers, romantic partners, etc. as they move into adolescence and adulthood.

With so many examples flooding our screens of people who act out their rage violently, it is vitally important for parents and caregivers to be role models of how to moderate one’s anger. Furthermore, parents must understand that hitting children teaches children how to hit others. Research and clinical studies have proven this point. 

The Levels of Anger
Anger can be ranked according to how out of control you feel. This ranges between:

1. Happy, calm, relaxed
2. Annoyed
3. Frustrated, angry
4. Out of control
5. Extremely angry

Enraged individuals have allowed anger to take control of any form of logical thinking. They erupt like a volcano and have the potential to inflict emotional or physical hurt on others nearby. 

It can be an important exercise to consider where on the scale you begin to lose control. This enables you to develop a plan for how to reverse course and reduce levels to better handle the situation. Come up with three strategies to use such as taking a walk, leaving the room, calling a friend, using positive self-talk, listening to music, etc. when you begin to approach that critical tipping point.

Teaching Anger Management to Children
There are two primary steps to teach kids to help them keep their anger under control. Parents can teach children to first express their anger in a healthy way, and second talk about what happened.

It’s a bad idea to tell children not to express their feelings. Feelings have a way of spilling over if you push them down. Parents and caregivers can role-model or coach children on appropriate ways to express anger non-violently, non-aggressively, and respectfully. There are just three basic rules about expressing anger: 

1. Don’t hurt yourself – respect yourself. (e.g. no cutting, starving yourself, or negative self-talk)
2. Don’t hurt others – respect others. (e.g. no hitting, name calling, or posting mean things on social media. It also means no hurting animals, which is a serious sign that a child needs help.) 
3. Don’t hurt your environment – respect the places around you. (e.g., no destruction of property)

Brainstorm with your child to come up with a list of two or three ways to safely release their anger. Some examples of healthy expressions of anger include:

• Running, biking, swimming, lifting weights, playing sports, rapping, drawing, painting, or drumming, etc. Even rage cleaning is a thing! 
• Contact sports like boxing or martial arts can be an excellent release but be careful with younger kids. Hitting something to defuse anger only associates anger with violence. Hitting something can easily transfer to hitting someone. 

Some examples of ways talk about what happened and process it, include:

• Writing your angry thoughts down in a letter, but not mailing it. 
• Keeping a journal where all feelings are kept private. 
• Having a discussion with the person imagining they are in front of you. 
• Tape recording your thoughts, then listening to them a little later to gain an understanding of your anger. 

Parents play a crucial role in helping children develop a healthy anger response. Be sure to encourage and reinforce your child’s efforts to manage their anger. Praise them when they successfully control their anger and express it appropriately. Let them know that you see their work and appreciate it.

For more advice like this, the Parenting Education Programs is offering several upcoming classes and Parent Cafés specifically to help you grow healthy relationships with your children and teens, 0-18 years old. Join us for more information about positive and effective ways parents and caregivers can interact with their children at every age and stage of development. 

We would love to hear from you. If you have questions or feedback about the topic in this article, email us.

Source: Nurturing Families™ - F A C I L I T A T O R M A N U A L Copyright 2021© 2nd Edition by Sonya M. Thorn MSOL, LCSW

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