(Posted 2023 April)
Tommy* is a 23-year-old Virginia resident who was adopted through Fairfax County. Tommy always wondered about his birth family. His curiosity developed in phases as his understanding of adoption increased. At age 16, he asked his parents if they had contact with his birth mother. He wanted more information about her because he felt that he didn’t know enough about why he entered foster care and why he was adopted.
His parents didn’t have many details about Tommy’s early life, so they reached out to Fairfax County Department of Family Services’ Post Permanency and Life Skills Unit to understand the process. Tommy’s family learned then that he could request a search when he turned 18, and staff provided them with the one-page application and time to think.
Unanswered Questions Lead to a Search
Tommy first filled out the application when he was 18 but “chickened out.” According to Tommy, “I wasn’t content with the amount of information I had, and I wanted to find out more.” At the same time, he had reservations. He couldn’t predict the outcome and was nervous. He wondered if he could deal with the potential rejection. Tommy felt that he was rejected as a child when he entered foster care and was ultimately adopted. Could he process another loss?
Thankfully, Tommy didn’t engage in the search by himself. He credits his parents as a big support before, during, and after the search. Although they were nervous for him, they sat down together to review the pros and cons. They were each able to express their wishes and fears and came to an understanding and appreciation of their differing views.
Tommy was able to reassure his parents that there was no danger that he would reject them. His friends also provided much-needed encouragement. Tommy also sought professional guidance which was invaluable.
A year after pausing the process, Tommy sent the application to the Virginia Department of Social Services. He felt more confident that he could handle any outcome and thought “if nothing comes of it, so be it.”
Within a few weeks, Fairfax County received the directive from the VDSS Commissioner to begin the search. It didn’t take program staff long to locate Tommy’s birth mother, Tanya*. She responded immediately and was enthusiastic in her desire to meet her son after so many years.
Connecting with the Birth Family
Once DFS received permission from the VDSS Commissioner to share Tanya’s contact information with Tommy, they arranged a time to speak on the phone. The initial call lasted almost three hours. Tommy reported that it was awkward at first but eventually they both opened up. There was almost two decades of information to share.
Tanya told Tommy about her life and some of the challenges she’d experienced. He finally understood why he was adopted. She also informed Tommy that he had three older brothers who were eager to meet him. Later that same day, Tommy connected with his brothers by phone.
A month later, Tommy felt ready to meet Tanya and her family – his family. They arranged to meet around the Christmas holiday. During that visit, he met Tanya, his three brothers, their extended family and his birth father, Joe*. Everyone marveled at the strong physical resemblance between Tommy, his brothers, and Joe.
The similarities didn’t stop there! Tommy and his family all share a great love of the outdoors including fishing and camping. Tommy and his brothers enjoy cars, motorcycles, sports, and art. Tommy and one of his brothers both swam competitively. The family even shares certain mannerisms and speech patterns.
Tommy found the face-to-face reunion exhilarating. He described his emotions as a mixture of relief and satisfaction. ” Everything clicked,” he noted. “I finally had the answers to all of my questions.”
Everything Comes Together like Lego Pieces
The following year Tommy arranged for his parents to meet Tanya and his brothers. He remarked that it was an amazing experience to see both families together. His parents were able to see the resemblance between Tommy and his birth family and to understand him better. Tanya and Tommy’s mother spent a lot of time together sharing stories.
Tommy found the event very gratifying; he was able to show each side of his family where he came from. He was able to acknowledge that he had two families that were both important to him. Tommy said he felt so proud of everyone that day.
Tommy noted that during the first year, there was constant contact between him and his birth family. He wonders if perhaps they were worried that he would go away once he had the answers to his questions.
Over time, the contact slowed to a comfortable amount. He reports that now it feels like a typical family dynamic. They may not live close to each other, but Tommy knows they love him, and he loves them.
Tommy said that his reunion was a wonderful experience. Not only does he have a loving, supportive adoptive and birth family, his quest for answers and information is over. He noted that the lack of information can “eat away” at an adopted child or youth.
Before the reunion, he would make up scenarios about why he was adopted. Now he doesn’t have to fantasize, he knows his story, even the difficult parts. He feels a sense of relief like a weight was lifted from him. He genuinely felt that once he met Tanya, Joe, and his brothers, it all came together like Lego pieces.
Advice for Adoptees and Their Parents Considering a Search
Tommy stressed how crucial it is to have a support network in place before embarking on a search and reunion. It’s important to know why you’re doing the search, and don’t let fear hold you back. Not all searches are successful, but in the end, an adopted person can still get answers and fill in gaps about their story.
To adoptive parents, he advises them to gather as much information about the birth family as possible to share in the future. They should also be supportive of their child’s interest in birth family information and should not perceive it as a rejection of them. Every child is different but almost all adopted children will benefit from knowing their story.
Conversations with children about adoption and birth family are not easy but you’re not alone. Please contact the Post Permanency and Life Skills Unit for assistance and resources.
*Name changed to protect confidentiality.
Provided by the Post Permanency and Life Skills Unit
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