Article by Gwen Jones, Department of Family Services
(Posted 2025 July)
If someone you care about has a hoarding disorder, you might worry about them and find it hard to understand how they can live with so much stuff. You may fear for their health and safety because of the living conditions in their home. It can be tempting to step in and get rid of all their stuff. However, this approach will not fix the problem, and it could make things worse.
The main issue is that hoarding disorder isn’t about having too much stuff. It’s a mental health problem. To help your loved one, you need to avoid judging them, be patient, listen to them, and build trust. To change their situation, your loved one must realize that they have a problem and agree to get help to address the underlying issues.
Focus on Safety
When talking to your loved one about their hoarding, focus on their safety. At a minimum, the goal should be for their home to have working utilities, working smoke detectors, clear walkways (like hallways and stairs), and three-foot clearances around doors and windows. They should also have at least one working toilet, sink and shower. If their home is clearly unsafe and they are unwilling to make changes to meet these minimal safety standards, you may need to get assistance. You can contact the Department of Code Compliance at 703-324-1300, TTY 711.
How You Can Help
If your loved one is willing to start getting rid of some stuff, your support can be very helpful. A good first step is to find a therapist who can help them understand why they hoard and how to stop. Deciding what to keep and what to throw away can make them anxious or sad. You can help by encouraging them, listening to their concerns and being understanding. If they have trouble deciding what to keep, you can help them make simple rules to follow. It also helps to set small goals and celebrate when they reach them. If they worry about wasting items, you can suggest donating things, which might make them feel better.
What Not to Do
Never blame or shame someone with a hoarding disorder. Threatening to or actually throwing away their things without permission can cause stress and make them feel even more isolated. It also can break their trust in you and damage your relationship. Remember, everyone has the right to live how they choose, even if it’s different from how you live. The goal is to help them be safe, healthy, and stay connected with others.
If your loved one makes progress, celebrate their successes, but don’t be discouraged if they have setbacks. Many people with hoarding disorder struggle to change habits developed over many years. With your support and encouragement, they can get back on track and continue making progress.
Reading List
To learn more about hoarding disorder and how to help, check out these books from Fairfax County Public Library:
- “Buried in Treasures: Help for Compulsive Acquiring, Saving, and Hoarding” by David F. Tolin, Randy O. Frost, and Gail Steketee. Call number: 616.8522 T 2014
- “Children of Hoarders: How to Minimize Conflict, Reduce the Clutter, & Improve Your Relationship: by Fugen Neziroglu, PhD, ABBP, and Katharine Donnelly, PhD. Call number: 616.8522 N 2013
- “The Secret Lives of Hoarders: True Stories of Tackling Extreme Clutter” by Matt Paxton with Phaedra Hise. Call number: 616.8522 P 2011
- “The Hoarder in You: How to Live a Happier, Healthier, Uncluttered Life” by Robin Zasio. Call number: 616.8522 Z 2011
- “Stuff: Compulsive Hoarding and the Meaning of Things” by Randy O. Frost and Gail Steketee. Call number: 616.8522 F 2010
In the August issue of the Golden Gazette, we will share businesses and resources that can help people struggling with hoarding disorder. To read previous articles from our series on hoarding disorder, visit FairfaxCounty.gov/familyservices/older-adults/golden-gazette/archive.
This article is part of the Golden Gazette monthly newsletter which covers a variety of topics and community news concerning older adults and caregivers in Fairfax County. Are you new to the Golden Gazette? Don’t miss out on future newsletters! Subscribe to get the electronic or free printed version mailed to you. Have a suggestion for a topic? Share it in an email or call 703-324-GOLD (4653).