(Published 2024 February)
Creating Boundaries as Part of Self-Care
boundary: a limit we set to protect our property, our time, or our emotional, mental and physical well-being.
Many of us are not taught how to establish boundaries and setting them can feel like just one more thing on our already lengthy to-do lists. You might feel unable to set a boundary for fear things will fall apart or that you will damage your career or create tension in your relationships. Perhaps you have tried to set boundaries in the past and it has not gone well.
The reality is boundaries are hard to set and they don’t fix everything that’s wrong overnight. But we need them. They are also an essential part of health and a large part of the self-care puzzle. Real self-care, says psychiatrist and author Pooja Lakshmin, involves getting grounded in your values, treating yourself with compassion, stepping into your power, and, yes, setting boundaries.
Here are some truths about boundaries:
Boundaries come with a cost. Saying no or setting a limit involves disappointing someone or not meeting an expectation. Depending on the relationship (spouse, friend, co-worker, family member), you may experience consequences from setting a boundary. You may feel guilty. Loved ones might be hurt. Your co-worker may be disappointed. But you must be willing to face this initial reaction, swallow your guilt, and work through it to get to a better place. Allow others to step in to fill the gap. Your boundary has an initial cost, but it will pay off later.
No one is going to give you approval. When others are used to you always saying yes to their requests, they are likely to be surprised or even angry when you establish a boundary. You have allowed them to become dependent on you, so prepare for a phase of discomfort and conflict when you aren’t there for them 24/7. Don’t over-explain yourself, though. It just gives the other person something to argue against. Remind them that “no” is a complete sentence.
Drop some balls. When you’re stressed, it can feel like everything is of equal importance—all the balls are glass and will shatter. Take inventory of your obligations to separate the critical tasks from the tasks of lesser importance (think of them as rubber balls that can bounce). Drop the rubber balls or let someone else grab them.
Just start. Many acknowledge that this constant state of overwhelmed and burnt out we’re all experiencing needs to be addressed at an organizational or cultural level. But systemic change takes time so protecting yourself from burnout has to be managed by you. Think of it as self-preservation.
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