(Published 2022 June)
When you find out someone you love has survived sexual violence, there is no one way to respond. Anger, sadness, guilt—all of these and more—are normal reactions. Whatever you’re feeling, we understand these emotions can be intense. Learning how to manage these feelings can help feel less overwhelmed while you support the survivor in your life.
No reaction is “right,” but you may experience some of the following emotions:
- Anger. You might feel anger toward the survivor for telling you something difficult or because they waited before telling you; toward yourself for not being able to protect your loved one; or toward the perpetrator for assaulting the survivor.
- Anxiety. Reassure the survivor the assault was not their fault and that you believe them.
- Confusion. You might feel confused by what you’re hearing or not understand how it happened. Confusion can be especially troubling if you know the perpetrator.
- Disbelief. When you first hear about the assault you might be have trouble believing it happened. You might feel surprised or shocked. Denial is common for survivors and those around them.
- Guilt. You may feel guilty because you didn’t prevent the assault or because your loved one didn’t feel comfortable talking to you about the assault right away. You may even experience guilt because something so terrible happened to someone else, not you.
- Sadness. A trauma can lead to feelings of sadness, hopelessness, and powerlessness. You might feel sad for the survivor or mourn how this has changed their life. You may even worry about the future.
No matter what emotions you feel, practicing self-care strategies and coping skills can help you move through them. Taking good care of yourself helps you better care for others, especially someone who has survived sexual violence.
Self-care for friends and family is similar to self-care concepts for survivors, with a few additional aspects to consider:
- Continue your lifestyle. If you focus on the sexual assault, it can be difficult to stay emotionally strong. Do things you enjoy, whether that’s cooking, dancing, exercising, traveling, or simply spending time with friends. Though making time to do these activities might seem like a challenge, continuing to do them can be helpful in the long run.
- Talk about it. It’s normal to have difficulty processing the sexual assault of someone you love. It can continue to be difficult as time goes on and the survivor begins the healing process. Call the Domestic and Sexual Violence 24-Hour Hotline (703-360-7273) to chat with someone who understands what you’re feeling. You can also consider talking to someone on Domestic and Sexual Violence Services’ Counseling team.
- Make plans. Sometimes talking about what happened helps you cope; other times it makes you linger in a bad place. Take a break from talking or thinking about the assault. That could mean finding a new hobby or revisiting one you already enjoy. Whether it’s dinner with friends or going for a hike, use this time to take your mind off the assault.
- Relax. Taking it easy looks different for everybody. Consider deep breathing, yoga, meditation, or journaling. Try to find small moments for relaxation every day.
This article posting is part of the Domestic and Sexual Violence Services' Volunteer Voices monthly newsletter for current and potential volunteers. If you're not already a volunteer, learn how to get involved. Find out about upcoming trainings, volunteer trainings, happenings around the DSVS office and information about articles, books, media recommendations and more.
Learn more about the Domestic and Sexual Violence Services (DSVS).